Most days I just wish I was Different. Better. Able.
Wouldn't it be great to be one of those great people?
That's pretty much my thought process.
I wish that when I had a sudden flood of emotion or joy,
I'd have the ability to sit down and compose a gorgeous tune,
or paint a masterpiece- original and personal,
or write a short story or poem, full of allegory and meaning.
Because it's all in there, it just doesn't know how to come out.
Most days I think, "If only. If only I was that kind of person."
Then some days, not nearly as often, in fact, very rarely do they come- I think, "What if I was that kind of person? Would I wish to be another kind? Would I really be satisfied in my abilities. Is that true life? Is that where 'it's at'?"
Probably not. I'd probably have other desires, like of being an average person who dreamed a lot and hoped for adventure- like the person I really am. Though, I'll never really know…
The point is that no matter who we are or what we can't do, we'll always be wanting to be something else.
Joy comes from being fully satisfied in Christ. And living fully comes from joy.
Dissatisfaction in who I am striving to be points to something deeper- attempting to be something on my own- searching for fulfillment elsewhere than in Christ.
Sometimes being a person is hard. And makes me tired.
The fact that I know the creator of the universe… now that is a reason to live, and live fully.
-j
How often is it true that the person who is "that person," the one with the awesome talent or the "unmatched" creativity (think Paul Simon, John Lennon, even Michael Jackson, from the music industry) is actually the person who is most alone, depressed, or aware of how little fame and fortune bring? Thanks for these thoughts. It may (is?) actually be a blessing not to be one of "those people."
ReplyDeleteI love this post. It just shows that you CAN, in fact, sit down and write beautifully, because you just did! So proud of who you are. I love the verse Ephesians 2:10, because every time I read it, it reminds me that God chose ME, and only me, to be who I am, to DO exactly what he planned for ME to do before I was ever a thought in anyone's mind! Now that blows my mind. :) Love you!
ReplyDeleteJami, I know exactly how you feel in this. I always want to strive for perfection, and find myself thinking too often, "If only I could _________".
ReplyDeleteIf only I could do this thing better, if only I could communicate better, if only I could BE better. But then I remember, I CAN. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
Be the change you want to see in the world, be the love you wish people had for one another, and BE Christ to those you know need Him. You are an awesome and beautiful creation of God's, made with a purpose. Do great things in His name, I know you have it in you.